I’m currently going through a depression after having a manic attack and then hypomania from April to May, it sucks! I was just getting over a 7 month depression to then go into mania again. So far I’ve had two manic attacks and now two depressions. I thought I had finally accepted this illness and wanted to be happy but little did I know I was climbing into mania. I feel like my brain is just teeter tottering and and I’m so worried that I will go through it again.

On the first attack I split up with my husband and had to work with cps. Then I got back with my husband to only lose him for good on the second attack. So now we are officially going through a divorce and it kills me. It’s making my depression even worse knowing that my marriage will be over in a couple of months. I tried my best to beg him back but the damage of what I did was too great. I don’t think he will ever let it go. Now do I end up alone? I’ve been in back to back relationships my entire adult life, it’s always how I got over a previous relationship, but this time I was married so I don’t want to do that. Besides, I don’t see many people lining up to be with someone with a mental illness unless maybe they have one themselves. What do you even tell someone when you go on a date? Do you hide it from them in the beginning or tell them up front right away. I know when I’m manic I tell everyone I have it, but I’m discreet when depressed unless it’s to someone I trust.

I’m waiting to hear from my therapist for an appointment. I need to talk to someone else besides my friends and family. I talk about it too much with them that I feel like a broken record. I just don’t know how to get the memories out of my head. I keep thinking about my husband and all of the good times we had. He won’t be my husband anymore and I’m trying my best to move on. It’s also been an adjustment sharing custody of our 3 year old. I just can’t believe we won’t be raising her together like I had always dreamed before I got pregnant. I feel like my dreams were crushed because of bipolar and I’m back in the angry and depressed stages.