And he really did split up with me this time.

I got really drunk last night (not intentionally, I lost track of how much I was actually drinking and got a bit carried away). We got home. I lashed out... I dont really drink that much because I know it triggers me off. Unfortunately my bad side came out last night and I took it all out on him. Calling him a liar, aparently blaming him for my self-injury...

I really hurt him this time. I woke up with such a terrible feeling that things wouldnt have been forgotten about... I was right. I turned around and he was just lying there looking at the ceiling. I asked him if he was ok and he just said, 'not really...' He told me how much I upset him, and that I was just a completely different person last night and he doesnt want another night like that again. That was it.... before I knew it he was curled up in a ball with his hands up to his face, crying his eyes out... and there was nothing I could do this time. everytime I tried to say something he just wailed even louder. It didnt help that I had to run to the bathroom every ten minutes to be sick. I let slip last night that I'd been pissed every night for the last 2 weeks which also made it worse.

I hate myself for doing this to him. everytime he calmed down, one look at me just set him off again. And when I gave in trying to calm him down, I turned around and cried myself - and he'd hold on to me and tell me that it was alright and begging me to stop crying. He kept saying how much he loved me, and that he just couldnt get the vision of me hurting myserlf out of his head.

I finally plucked up the courage to ask him if he was going to end it, and he said that 'he thought so, yeah...' and that he needed a few days to himself to get his head together.

We laid on the bed before he dropped me off and just held eachother and cried. Then before he dropped me off, I ran in the house and got his turtle cookie I made him and gave it to him, and told him 'I just wanna let you know, im willing to do anything.'

I went straight to bed and cried for hours. That was it, I knew it. The thought of what i would do without him kept running through my mind. I kept being sick aswell. I finally fell asleep for a few hours, when I got a text off him. I didnt want to read it at first. My mesage memory on my phone was full so I only got half of the message at first..... That was it, he'd ended it. I cried so hard for the next ten mins until the other half came through.

Aparently, he still thinks that somewhere deep inside is my old bubbly self, and doesnt want to let me go. He said that he loved me, even though it just wasnt a question of love anymore, and still wants to try with me, but he doesnt want to be hurt again

I cant believe he's giving me that second chance after all Ive done to him. I finally got out of bed at 6pm. Im seeing him tomorrow night. He kept ringing me to check if I was alright, because I just couldnt stop crying all day. The thing is, I cant bare the feeling that Its me who has spoilt this for us, and Ive hurt him so much. Im the one causing his pain. And he's giving me another chance. It would have been better if it was he who had hurt me, not the other way round - I could have handled that. But for me to spoil our future together like that. Im so disguted and ashamed in myself.

I hate myself so much for it, Ive gotta stop all the drinking and flipping out and talking it out on him. And the self injury... I can now see, for the second time, how much it is hurting the ones I love. And I swear to god its stopping - everything.

I cant stop crying and imagining all the pain I've caused him. You would have thought I'd have learnt my lesson the first time round.

babyg