Ok, so texting your counsellor friend 'pretending' to be a client looking to work with her really wasn't the smartest decision I ever made. Not least because when she text back last week I ignored it, so she text back again today. I felt I had to be honest with her, so I told her I wasn't just looking for counselling, but that in my deep hurt and real confusion I sent the message, knowing that it probably wasn't the most sensible thing to do. Thing is, I was actually having a good day until that happened! I do shoot myself in the foot sometimes. Ah well, give it more time I guess.

I was thinking yesterday about the future, for us. What will it entail? Nothing? One more session? A brief encounter to 'recover' my belongings? A couple of months of work? Finishing this off? No official work contact but maybe the odd letter and Christmas card from me to you, and maybe you'd reply by email?

I think that's where some of the confusion comes from. The not knowing.

I was thinking though, I don't know if I will be able to see you again. I don't know how I feel about that, after what you have done here. In a way maybe it's a little tiny bit like when someone is terminally ill and they say "don't go and see them like that. Don't let that be the last memory that you have of them. Remember them in a good way". I am trying to hold on to all of the good work that we did. All of the times that you were there for me, regardless of what was going on. All of the times you stood there, strong, firm, stable and kind as I pushed and pulled against you, loving you and hating you, swinging from one extreme to the other as I tried to navigate my way through everything.

That's how I want to remember you. That's how I need to remember you, and if you can't be that person again, maybe I am better off not seeing you. Maybe I am better off leaving things as they are.........