I’m kinda depressed today. Actually really depressed. I think it’s mostly weather related. We had great weather for several days and now it’s **** outside. I saw my therapist and it went ok. I told her that I was taking 2 types of melatonin and she said that was not good. We talked about food for a bit. Then I went into detail about the transference with old therapist and how much it messed with me mentally and still is messing with me. She seems to think I never actually had closure since we said goodbye in a video session. But then she said that I have people working with me now so that there will be a smooth transaction to the therapist she’s handing me over to. She told me maybe finding a job right now isn’t a bad idea. She said it’s kinda in the same category as companies hiring pregnant women who will need to take time off in a couple months. I asked if I was being difficult or something and she said no that she’s just a straight forward therapist who doesn’t sugar coat anything. I said I think that was the problem with my unprofessional T. That she sugar coated things. Plus she called me handsome. Which I found creepy. And she said “yeah that is creepy.”

But I want to say it’s just the weather but I honestly think I’m depressed as hell right now because of my transference T and the feelings I still have for her. I wonder if my next step is talking to my Pdoc on Monday to get things off my chest. He works with her. He tends to make situations worse but sometimes he can be really helpful.

My therapist said maybe I could write a letter to her and send it to the office. I said I didn’t know how good of an idea that would be since I had boundary issues with her. But maybe if my Pdoc says it’s ok I will. I need to tell her why I legit had such issues. It’s because she was the one who I told that I was trans. And she helped me out so much and I wanted her to be able to see the transition as it was happening. But because of the video sessions that didn’t happen. And it just seriously ****ed with my brain.

But I don’t know. Maybe it is just the weather