Hello everyone,

tl;dr: I was having major trouble being just friends after she and I dated. I blocked her impulsively, then she blocked me. Now I want her to unblock me.

I started a thread here that got some very helpful feedback, even though I made all the classic mistakes with the lady in question.
Bar phone number exchange

It seemingly started when she gave her number to another guy right in front of me, but that was really a superficial part of a much larger issue between us involving my money and drinking problems.

It was an exhilarating but very confusing time with her since we reconnected back in late 2019. We grew very close after that and across the 2020 pandemic year. Finally, for the first half of this year, we were basically a couple, although I guess she didn't see that way.

The main tension revolved around two things, as far as I can see:
1. Although I initially said let's just be friends when we met on a dating site about 5 years ago, by this spring she had won me over and I was exclusively seeing her. But she was the first one who kissed me, who kept pursuing me, and who first took me to her bed to make love. I was never quite sure what we "were," though, because I guess we didn't have the define the relationship talk until after another argument in which I asked her to be my girlfriend. By that point, her answer was "not yet." All of that confused me later when she mentioned boundaries because I never got a good sense of what our boundaries even were.

2. As we grew closer, I started getting more and more worried that I was not telling her I have a large debt (~30,000), a large part of that in back rent owed. I broke down and told her when she started getting increasingly annoyed that I said I couldn't travel with her because I didn't have the budget.

Even now I feel like I have whiplash from the emotional rollercoaster. From what she said, I had not given her the commitment she wanted, so she had the right to explore (sharing numbers etc.). For my part, I felt like I had shown through my actions that I was devoting all my time to her, so why did that not count as commitment to her, at least to the extent of not sharing numbers with other guys right in front of me?

Long story short, we went back and forth on those issues over the past month or so. I know I made mistakes, but I didn't expect her to turn so distant and cold so fast. It really sent me into an anxious tailspin because she and I did so many things in this city, and talked about everything under the sun. On the one hand, she seemed to think it was simple to revert to "just friends," but we never defined what being just friends even was since in a sense I thought she said we weren't committed and so had been just friends all along. She did say she didn't want friends with benefits so maybe she got worried that that is what we were doing.

Yes, part of that was my escape from my problems, but most of it wasn't. I am over 50 (divorced 10 years) and had been lonely for years and she connected with me so much. I felt like hey maybe this is what it feels like to find someone.

But I got so impulsive and needy over the past few weeks that I kept bringing up how I long for her even though she said she wants to be just friends now.

Finally, last Friday, I couldn't take it anymore. Because I had had a few beers, I was extremely impulsive and sent her a "goodbye" text and blocked her on WhatsApp, IG, and unfriended her on Facebook.

The next morning I immediately regretted my rash actions and unblocked her on WhatsApp. But she had already blocked me on WhatsApp. I sent her a DM on IG apologizing for impulsively blocking her. It said "Seen" for a little while which gave me hope. But then she blocked me there, too.

So my advice request is:
I totally understand that if she had blocked me first, then that would be the final end of it. It has happened to me before.

But since I blocked her first, is there any chance that if I wait a week or so and send her an apology - via snail mail or, since I have her email address, through email, that this might persuade her to unblock me?

Things were painful either way, but I now realize at least with her as a friend I can move on with less turmoil. At the moment I am having severe trouble concentrating on anything else except her little gray profile image. I know she is likely wary that I would just resume sending her romantic texts, but I don't want to do that anymore. I just want to salvage the friendship if possible.

I am restarting therapy tomorrow to deal with my abandonment/attachment issues and my drinking. And of course the money issues are still looming. But I need some advice because I feel like my whole life is falling apart and just being able to chat with her every few days or by text was a little harbor of peace. I go a couple of days dry or just 1 or 2 but then binge out of sadness. I have no idea what is the next thing I will see or hear that will remind of her, it is actually scaring me how close I am to breaking down in tears whether around the house or in public.

I read all the advice about working on yourself, see friends, and so on, but it all rings completely hollow. Specifically, my self-esteem and optimism are so low because this relationship cut across my entire life - Covid lockdown, outdoor dining, indoor dining, specific public transit buses and trains, neighborhoods I walk, TV news and shows, movies, Netflix, music, exercising/cycling, even speaking Spanish which I love to hear her speak. Never mind seeing other couples.

So without it everything just collapsed. I just don't see any point in any improvement attempts if I can't repair my friendship with her.

Thanks.