Thanks, Sarah. I have been wrestling with that for the past 4 days. I feel so stupid for having blocked her first. I went back and re-read some of the things I texted her and they were full of needy, bitter, and emotional words because I allowed myself to text when I was drunk and was so overcome with shock and sadness. But at least she was still communicating with me, at which point I should have backed off, turned to working on myself, and begin actions to make my life better while she was still on friendly (albeit a bit cold and distant) terms with me.

Those emotions have slid over into a kind of terror of facing each day replaying the sequences in my mind. I now realize what she was trying to communicate to me. At the time, all I could see was my side of trying to convince her to be romantic with me again, which is of course not the way things work. Then I got angry that she said I wasn't respecting her boundaries.

Specifically, she and I had different memories I suppose of the earlier stages, when she may not have crossed a lot of boundaries but at one time she called me after 9 one night to ask me to go to Ireland with her. It was out of the blue and right after we had had a friendly dinner. And, later, a few other times starting with the night (yes we had both been drinking) when she kissed me first. And later still when she invited me over to watch TV then took me to her bed to make love. And finally, for several months earlier this year, she would have me meet her friends and family in ways that made it clear she was having them meet them almost as her boyfriend.

Yes, I should have come clean about the money earlier - as well as the extent of my depression which I had not shared. But we share a ton of other things and moments and places.

For my part, I politely declined the Ireland trip. But because she was winning me over, I returned her kiss and after that was willing to get intimate with her not only physically but emotionally as well. These are things I ruminate about when I feel like, wait a minute, the boundaries were never as clean as she was making them out to be when she chose her boundaries.

Because I blocked her first, I finally wrote an apology card by hand and mailed it to her (in other words, if she had blocked me first I would have had to force myself not to contact her and make things even worse). I have little hope that my letter will help, but who knows.

For now I have to keep going to therapy and try not to drink (failing in that effort so far). I'm terrified at how out of control I feel.

Well, thanks for your brief but thoughtful comment.