This weekend, my greatest fear was realized when I was told to either get into the car to go to the hospital or the police would be called. I was so angry, yet to tired and depressed that I slept for an entire day. A locked unit is a dehumanizing place. In all of my years, I have never had things taken from me and I've never had my every movement monitored like they were in that place. I hated it and I thought that I would never want to go back. Furthermore, this was my family's first time experiencing how bad it can get. I hate that too. They are looking at me and treating me like I'm broken. They are constantly checking to see if I am ok and I'm not.

I received a copy of an electronic chart that described me as flat, depressed, angry and uncooperative. Well, that might be me on a good day. Anyway, after breaking down in front of my doc, begging to go home, I didn't expect her to discharge me.

I thought I could handle it what was ahead. That was until I got in the car and discovered that a relative had been murdered. Since then I have gone from numb to feeling like my heart has been ripped apart, to numb again. I can't focus on things that I need to get done. I'm not ok. I thought that I was leaving to handle current stressors. I was not prepared to add something else. I feel like I am going to short circuit. This morning, the idea of laying in that little bed in the room with white walls, shut off from the world, with someone cattle calling me to eat sounded comforting. I realized that I am not going to be able to fix me without some help.

So I reached out to my pdoc to see what are my options now. Well, she didn't call me back today. She is my third pdoc and both of the others worked for private practices. When I called. They responded. This pdoc works for a very large counseling practice. It's been hard to figure out how things work there. I need some help. I'm lost and I don't know what to do to get back on track. I'm a little disappointed that the same pdoc who told me that people don't typically leave the hospital as quickly as I was requesting didn't call me back today. Maybe it's punishment. Maybe she regrets taking me as a patient. I don't know but I hope she calls tomorrow.