I went through a similar set of mistakes sending drunk texts and so on except looking back on it it was a totally fantasy relationship in my mind. The woman was 20 years younger, I met her for 5 minutes at a live music event. We stayed in touch via Instagram and gradually ended up sexting and talking by phone a bit. I even planned going to Australia which is where she lives (I live in the US).

At one point I got really drunk and sent her a string of bizarre texts including some porn videos. A few days later I sent some other drunk texts and she blocked me.

After she blocked me I freaked out and feared drinking anything. So I went to AA and didn't have a drink for 38 days.

I stopped because I eventually contacted her from another IG account and she agreed to talk to me again. Two problems there - I was being stalkerish and also was not moving on.

Ironically, around that time I could have started spending more time with this current lady (who is my age, divorced, kid, similar compatibility in many ways) instead of pining for the Aussie girl.

Then Covid hit and I was isolated again and everybody else was drinking so I went along. The Aussie girl was chatting with me but it became a thing where she asked me for rent money and so on. I agreed a few times but obviously not ideal to have that turn into a weird transactional thing like it did.

At that point I did start spending more time with the current lady. A lot of my socializing with her was one-on-one and at bars and restaurants. Looking back on it, I could have openly discussed more quickly moving the relationship forward at that time, since during those months she was very open to being my girlfriend but I kept saying I wasn't sure. I was just being honest because I really want a close relationship for companionship, romance, lovemaking, but I also had these money and depression issues that made me scared of the thought of living with her and not being able to have a good relationship.

As Covid restrictions eased, I started panicking more around the friends and other people we saw when we went out. I felt very insecure at times and she seems to attract guys who hit on her, and I don't do well in those situations. I just wanted her and thought she wanted me the same and would not entertain flirting but flirting is a part of life and I get jealous or I just tune out. Neither of which helped her attraction to me, which started strong but faded. And with drinking thrown in, as she told me and was right, it was hard to tell what was real and what was alcohol-induced.

Anyway, what is crippling me now is that year plus of mistakes and myopic behavior that revolved around drinking as my way of escaping my problems. Which has generated only more problems. Which makes me want to drink more and be ashamed of going back to AA as a failure. But of course I am failing now.

That's pretty much the summary of why I stopped. As I said, though, this time is so much worse because (1) I repeated my mistakes and (2) I repeated them with a much more compatible partner and (3) I could have avoided the impulsive and self-destructive move of blocking her first when at least she and I were communicating and even occasionally meeting up. Now I realize how much more guilty and self-hating I am over what I did and the lack of any contact with her.