Is it even possible? I’ve been emotionally neglected by my mother. I didn’t really know but I’ve always had a feeling that something is missing inside me. Like a void. I’ve had an eating disorder, struggled with self-injury, been in bad relationships. My anxiety is never leaving me. It wasn’t until I was in therapy for perhaps the seventh time that I realised it.

I want my T to be my mum. I hate to admit it but that’s the truth. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to heal from this. My T won’t be my mum, not ever. My mum won’t change and I’m not going to try and change her. I have to live with this but I don’t know how. I’m not sure if my T knows either. It hurts so much that I can’t get what I want, I can’t change what’s happened. I’m stuck. I hate it. I hate the feelings of longing. I hate that my T won’t give me what I want (but I know that she can’t). I want to remove this from me, not accept it. How can I accept that I’m broken? I hate it. I hate that she did this to me, but the adult me knows that she probably couldn’t do better.

I just don’t know what to do. When I read about it, it’s like ”feel your pain”. Well, I don’t want to! And even when I do, it doesn’t help. For how long should I feel the pain?? I’m so angry at everything! I don’t want to be my own inner mother, I want a real mother!! But that’s impossible. So I have to live with the ache and void inside me?! And my own kids, I try so hard not to pass this on to them but I’m not sure if I’m succeeding. My biggest fear is that they will end up like me.