Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know too well the pain that it causes inside, but also the other feelings too. For me, it was this huge gaping hole in my heart that felt like it could never be filled. It was looking at complete strangers in the street wondering if they would make a good mother to me; avoiding women as best I could because of the hurt that it would bring up; subconsciously trying to manipulate the few women that were in my life into being a mother to me (read slowly destroying those relationships); never really escaping from this incredible yearning that was inside of me.

But I have healed from that. Believe it or not. My therapist (not that I think she was overly keen on the title!) became the 'good enough mother' to my inner child and over time showed me how to be that for myself. Through this reparative work I also built up a patchwork of life, or people, places, events, hobbies, experiences, that went some way to repairing this gaping hole, or maybe, as Lost said, I became bigger than the hole itself. There is still a sadness, for me, but it is no more that the sadness that one might feel at other losses in life. It is no longer this all encompassing grief that follows you wherever you go, that no time will ever heal.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I'm happy to explain more about how she essentially became like a mother to me, if you wish me too, but I also know that I had a very special T, and that not everyone will be able/willing to meet you with it. Personally, I kept searching until I found one who would. I knew that this is the type of work that I needed to do, and I wasn't going to see someone unless they could/would go there with me. I suffered a lot of rejection and shaming in the process of finding her, but it was worth it in the end.

I do know that the whole premis of 'be your own mother' is absolutely bloody ludicrous when you don't know what you are doing, when the hate that you feel for those parts of you is so strong. I can only imagine that those people who recommend that, have never really been there.

And about feeling the pain? Yes, I do agree with this, but not as a standalone. As part of this reparative work I felt a LOT of pain. I had to go through the grief still. I had to see what my T was giving me, in its limited form, and I had to hurt for what that meant that I lost out on and what I would never have. How long for? It has taken 5 years to get to the point where I can look back and say that I feel better. That I have the memories of being loved by a mother (my T) and that I know how to show care, compassion and love to my inner child.

I could go on, but I won't, unless you have any questions you would like to ask. I am just so sorry that you are going through this because I do know how intolerable it is. Sending you all my very best wishes.