Hello, I have not posted for a long time - although I read and now back in therapy wanted to ask for advice..
I started therapy for ED and childhood abuse. I had a nice young T who helped me recover from my ED. Overall she was a great T. For the abuse she then referred me to an older, more experienced therapist for EMDR, which she was still in training for. We did just fine but facing unexpected parenthood, after my baby’s birth I dropped therapy temporarily. Then I found a good job and covid spread. Meanwhile an accident, grief and my childhood issues I had no time to work on made me want to go back, so I contacted T2.
T1 is now a licensed EMDR therapist, but back in time she referred me to T2. so I went for T2. I never thought about starting all over with a new therapist because things went in a good way with the reminder that they would always be there for me when I’d be ready to go back.
Now here is my weird problem. T2 is a well known, confident and experienced T and I tend to look up to this kind of women. I HATE my job and have a clear idea of the career I wanted. I thought I’d be fine leaving everything aside for my baby but I’m not. I feel a mix of admiration for T2 and frustration thinking how wealthy and satisfied with her successful career she must be (which I know is not easy at all actually) while I’m stuck here struggling to get a bigger house for my family plus now dealing with chronic pain from the accident and angry at the world.
Sometimes I imagine her handing the money I earn to her rich kids for fun. I have been fighting this feeling because I know it’s not fair. it all came up recently, after being apart for 2 years and I don’t want this to turn into resentment towards someone who genuinely cares about me.
Maybe I should explore my feelings with her - I imagine what is behind may be a horrible boss and work environment, opening up about my weaknesses, the stress of parenting and fear of not being a good mother. But I am afraid to do that.. I feel so vulnerable now.
I cannot leave the job: it pays everything + therapy which is something that here 99% of the people pay out of pocket.
I fear this feeling will undermine the work we do and the relationship. After all, aren’t therapists there to support us when we are not at our best? What’s wrong with me?
Any suggestion is welcome… thank you if you made up to here!