Well, you probably had very strong feelings for your boyfriend during the time you were together @bpfighter250, you may have been in love with him yet conflicted at the same time, you see. So, casting your mind back to where you were within yourself at the time, the feelings, the love, may help you to understand your decision as to why you stayed with him during that period. It may help you to forgive yourself and to basically let go of your inner critic, regaining the self esteem.

I can't think of anything else to add. 🙏