Thank you all for the replies..
You really comforted me, I was starting to think I’m really evil but now I see it is a rather common thing.
I might try to talk to her about this (rephrasing with nicer words….) hoping she will be understanding and use it foe therapy. once she did a nice thing: I told her how difficult life is with my spine and chronic pain imagining she so healthy and never having gone through something like that and she told me she can relate as she had the exact same issue back in time and had to stay in bed for months (like I did before standing up) and it wasn’t a great time… but then it slowly went better. I felt stupid for complaining at first but then also not so alone.
We are having a two months break because of her holidays and then mine and I’m taking this time to explore my feelings. Maybe all the help and knowing *all* my issues and struggles so well is now making me feel vulnerable.