I’m kinda struggling today. I’m not sure why but my period is a week away so I assume it’s just my PMDD. I haven’t heard back from my job yet. So I don’t know what’s going on. If the manager just isn’t in yet, or they just haven’t gotten around to calling me, or if they think I’m too much of a risk with needing to take 6 weeks off in 1.5 months. You’d think they would call either way, but that often isn’t the case for anything in life.

I went to the bookstore and I got a few nonfiction books. I also went to Ace Hardware and I bought some N95 masks.

I see my Pdoc at 3:30. I want him to keep my meds the same. I kind of want to ask him how to deal with my thoughts of missing my transference therapist so much. I wonder if I could write a letter to the office or send her an email. Because I really am not making progress on this and it’s been almost 6 months. I’ve had a total of 16 therapy sessions with 2 different therapists and it is still ****ing hard.

Last night I took 30mil of melatonin. 2 time release and then my other kind that has 3 layers to it. One to relax you, one to help you fall asleep fast, and one to help you stay asleep. Then I threw in an extra 20 mil Geodon to that mix just because I felt like it. So I guess that’s like 200mil of Geodon in a couple hours. I don’t know. I’m kind of numb from it. From everything. The melatonin worked but I woke up for a bit at 12:30 to eat a bagel.

Today I just feel strange. I sent an email to my therapist explaining why I was in crisis on Wednesday and that it seemed to be related to my food issues but I have since gotten another call from the store and went on the interview on Saturday. I haven’t heard back yet from her either. I know it’s Monday morning and probably everyone is just super busy.

I plan on just reading until my appointment. Most of the books I got are in the economics and sociology category. I’m not sure what the definition of those subjects are though. I do know I got a good grade in sociology in high school and my teacher wrote on my report card “MD does very well on a difficult subject”

Oh yeah. I found out today one of my favorite teachers aides from High school died the other day. I guess that could be making me feel a bit depressed.

I was at that school 13 years ago and if some of the teachers were in there 50’s and 60’s when they worked there then I guess that makes sense that they’d start going now. That’s the second teacher from that school to die this year and my therapist from that treatment center also died this year. And I still have not properly dealt with her death since we were moving in 2 days when I found out and my nephew broke his collarbone that day too. It was a lot going on. Every time I think of her I almost burst into tears and then I immediately push her out of my mind.