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mandazzle said:
In all honesty I have never wanted to kill myself more in my whole life than I did last night. (...)

I was reading Macbeth the other day and an interesting speech came up that I was really thinking about. (...)

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

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Hello mandazzle,

life is not pointless, only if we deem it so. It is up to ourselves to make a point in it. Nobody can do this instead of ourselves, and nobody could do so as a substitute for our own efforts.

And it is not okay to react on partial withdrawal with self-aggression. It is not good for you, and it is not okay in the sense of being a true friend. Friendship cannot grow on the soil of blackmailing of any kind, and less than ever with the threat of doing harm to oneself. Love and friendship are children of trust and free will, they are given voluntarily and cannot be forced or reinforced.

It is very understandable how urgently you were in need of caring attention. But you should not try to force somebody to attention. It will come of its own volition. Your time will come again, too. You will feel better again. Friends will come back again. New friendly people will appear and listen and care.

But, please, do not make the mistake to cross the border between friendship and exploitation! This will drive away those of all people who like you most. Check upon your expectations towards friendship. Where would YOU see and set limits. A change of perspectives will help you to better see and understand your friends and their needs and duties besides friendship.

For the moment, things look pitchblack to you. But this will pass.

We all are so much more than a tale told by an idiot, without any significance. The opposite is true.

There are times, when we all are tempted to see things as bad as this person in Macbeth. But there is a huge difference between our tainted view of things, and things how they are in fact.

It is our sour mood that poisons things. But bad moods pass by. Then you will see things more clearly and in a better light, I am absolutely sure of that.

Hold on, be patient, esp. with yourself,
bluna