I woke up at 2. I wasn’t upset because I wanted to get up early anyways and watch the AGT from last night. And the best time that I can focus on it is at 3AM. Since it’s 2 hours long minus whatever for the commercials. So I finished it right around the time I get up. I took a shower and I went to Sams Club. I finally got to try the new zero sugar Mountain Dew after a failed attempt last week. All I got was some strange tasting water. No flavoring or carbonation. But this time I got it. I mainly only drink zero sugar soda so this was pretty good. But I had a 20oz bottle of regular zero sugar Mountain Dew this morning so my anxiety is a bit iffy. I’ve eaten today but just my usual rice cakes and cereal. People keep bugging me because I don’t eat that much meat. And like why is it any of their concern what I do or don’t eat? I’m not even bringing it up. They are. It’s like from My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the aunt says “what you mean he don’t eat no meat?” I’m not a vegetarian it’s just sometimes there’s no desire to eat meat for several days in a row. But both my therapist and my mom are being tough on me about it.

But now I’m sitting in my clean room with a pile of books. My room was a complete mess this morning. I had my weighted blankets and burrito blanket all over the bed and the floor and a huge pile of water glasses and cereal bowls. But now everything is spotless. I think I have a bit of OCD since I try to make everything perfect. Even the blankets on my bed I try to align perfectly. And I like my pumpkin Glade plug in.

So I turned on the TV at 3 and there was this informercial on and this lady was advertising adult products and really going into detail. I mean, I get that it’s 3AM but I thought you had to pay to see that stuff on TV. This was on the Paramount channel in case anyone’s wondering.

I haven’t heard back from my therapist and I honestly should just give it up. I wanted the email from her more then the job and my tax refund combined. But if I had a choice between getting to my goal weight or getting the email, I’d choose the weight honestly. My weight comes before everything.

Today I’m just waiting around for work related stuff. They are texting me and emailing me stuff either today or Tomorrow. My UTI test came back normal. So I assume the pain is just hysterectomy related stuff. I’m hoping if the urine test came back normal then nothing is wrong with my kidneys and my levels have stayed the same or improved. I’m very worried about my cholesterol but I’ve lost weight since that blood test so hopefully it’s better. I guess that’s why I sometimes feel guilty eating meat. Because I’m worried it will clog my arteries. Also I eat a lot of Cheerios because the commercials and the box says it can help lower your cholesterol.

My Pdoc called in a 3 month supply of Valium. I already had about 2-3 weeks left. I was short a few days which was concerning. But now I don’t have to worry. I have plenty and now I have extras in case I need them. Although I still try to work through my anxiety with just the 3 a day that I’m prescribed. Yesterday I only took the 3. I feel kinda more stable since switching all my Geodon to at night. I’m not sure why. But I don’t feel like I’m missing out on it during the day. I start to feel slightly goofy around 3:30. So I take the 20mil then. But honestly the majority of these days I’ve been ok with taking everything at night and then a Valium at 8:30AM 11AM and 2PM. I think I’m finally in a good med routine now and that’s why I’ve felt more stable lately.