Dear black-roses,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Having struggled with such things myself I can totally identify with you.

A couple of things have helped me although I still struggle sometimes.

1] People in your life can never know you completely because you are made of millions and millions of things and events. You are vastly too complex to be known completely by anyone.

Therefore, who ever judges you is basically judging an "image" of you that they have in their mind made of up pieces and fragments of truth. And pieces and fragments of the truth are actually half-truths, quarter-truths, sometimes even 1/10,000th of a truth.

There is more error in their image of you than truth. Their image of you leaves out more than it includes and so is a gross over-simplification of the complexity and richness of your being and reality.

Therefore their judgements of you leave out so much truth that they are more untrue than true and this is unjust towards you and unjust towards justice itself.

They are judging an over-simplified image of you in their minds. They are not actually judging you although they think they are. Knowing this can help take the pain out of being judged.

2] Your value as a person comes from the fact that you are an absolutely unique individual never having existed before and never to be repeated in all of time, history or eternity. Your value and dignity come from your being and not from the opinions others have of you.

This value can never be taken from you and is there as long as you exist. It is not something you "have" but something you "are." It cannot be taken from you. You don't have to earn it or prove it . It is your inalienable dignity.

3] Parents often try to control their children by putting into their children's minds the idea that their children's value goes up and down like the stock market. Please your parents and your value goes up. Displease them and your value goes down.

Growing up like this people can come to think that their value is vulnerable and at risk from the opinions of others. Knowing this can help one to get free of the hurt that comes when one is being judged by a friend, relative or stranger.

Not sure these insights will be of help to you, but they have helped me a lot in my struggles. Hopefully many people will see and respond to your post with helpful ideas.

My heart goes out to you in your suffering!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen