Thanks for the question. I guess I need to get over the terror I feel as evening approaches. All the enjoyable interactions I used to have with her come back in my mind as the end of the workday nears. And even aside from her, my dissatisfaction with my job and my low self-esteem, and depression all combine to drive up my urges to escape. Add to that working from home and by 5 or 6 I dread the prospect of not having left the house for the whole day.

Finally, I feel like I obsess about all my connected memories with her. So if someone says, go for exercise, all I can think about is how much she loves exercise, and how she told me she wanted a partner who wants to exercise, not just one who exercises because she does. Going to the library or bookstore makes me feel lonely whereas before it was peaceful solitude. Friends invite me out to live music and I recall the live music and/or bars with music that she and I went to over the past couple of years. Netflix, Amazon, the local news, sightseeing, they are all colored by my remorseful memories of how I screwed things up with her.

It's possible I might be able to go to an art museum, which she and I did not do more than once or twice.

Not sure if that response helps answer your question, but I am open to suggestions. Basically, as I said, it is a feeling of terror of being both alone and feeling disgraced over having so many emotional problems.

Thanks again.