Feeling very mixed-up today. Down. At Women's Group this morning it was said that parents won't abandon teenagers no matter how badly they behave, that parents understand the defiance is just a rite-of-passage. I took a risk and piped up about how my parents HAD abandoned my two older brothers and sisters, as soon as it was legal, not caring if it was amoral or unethical or inhumane, only that it was legal, on their 16th birthdays. Happy Birthday, get out. My brothers' lives were disastrous, but my sister survived.

Anyways, no one had anything to say about that except that my parents hadn't been suited to parenting and that they should not have had children. Certainly, my dad was not healthy emotionally or spiritually or psychologically. My mom took her cue from him. She had some compassion but was a functional alcoholic. She was traditional and believed what the man said goes.

Then i came in to see my neighbor Lynne with kidney disease who is on dialysis being carted away in a gurney. Lynne's home is in the corner before mine so i had to stand there for several minutes while the paramedics arranged Lynne on the gurney and ran a test and gathered up their gear. It was so upsetting and my PTSD was triggered and i stood there mute as a smelt.

I felt ashamed of not being able to say a few kind gentle words of comfort to Lynne but Louise said later to give myself a break, that it's better not to intervene in an emergency situation like that and indeed, it did look like Lynne was getting good care. So having Louise's support makes me feel a bit better.

But in between my interactions with Lynne and Louise i listened to several hours of national public radio and it was fascinating and everything but i heard that all the causes i am so passionate about are well-in-hand by professional people much more powerful than i. I see that i am not the only one concerned about these issues and that they are being dealt with with more elan than i could ever muster.

So i felt USELESS and went and got a 200 gram bag of chips and binged. Now that i'm logging my cals in a spreadsheet on my phone i wrote down the trigger as well so i'll have some content to get into with a therapist should the universe ever smile upon me and i get one i can get along with.

I felt so bad i phoned the crisis line and the woman suggested i try keeping a blog. I'll think it over. My opinions are so controversial i get censored if i air them here. I sort of value privacy tho and tend to regret getting so controversial and attracting attention. It would be anonymous tho. I do enjoy writing and venting so perhaps it would be GOOD FOR ***ME*** and give you all a break from "Blowhard Jane."

So embarrassed about how fractured my personality is tho, always working at cross-purposes.

@Blue_Bird and all:

I am so sorry to hear that you have an eating disorder so intense that it damaged your teeth. That is really serious. Did you or are you getting any help with it? A support organization for eating disorders just called me today. They just wanted my email and to tell me to keep an eye out for the announcement and registration for their new Fall programs in October so i look forward to getting some help with my binge-eating-disorder (BED). They have a group and also art and dance therapy. Sounds nice.

@Soupe du jour:

Your creations look yummy! You have mad skills!