LIke the others said, grief. I lost my close family member in December. I wound up taking a class through my church (called Griefshare, no idea if it is available there or if a class that has religious components interests you) but it really helped me process my loss. If you can find something similar where you can let the pain out and learn about what is normal grief and what might need more help then I encourage you to try. Hospices sometimes run programs. My pdoc is in a big city and they have a whole organization devoted to helping with grief recovery.

I hope you can find safer ways to experience your healing.