Thank you. Honestly, I am not sure that I am coping ok. It is so hard. The only way I can try to explain it is as if someone's Mum just closed the door on them one day. They came to their Mum's house only to be told to leave, with no explanation of why. With no time to process what was going on. With no time to gather belongings. Just a door closed in their face. It doesn't make any sense and this waiting in limbo is unbearable.

HOWEVER, I do not regret letting her in, no. What is that saying? It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I didn't know what love was until I met my T. I didn't know what a real relationship looked like until I met my T. I do not regret letting her in and I do not regret a single second of the work that we did together, no. Honestly, if you get a chance, take it and run with it. The last five years have been very special indeed and have facilitated some incredible changes in my life. I am just seriously sad that we didn't get to finish the work, and seriously hoping that once the dust settles for her we can find a way together to properly end this. The waiting for that though is very difficult. It's like I am hanging onto the tiniest thread of hope, praying it not to snap.

I think it is important to have some very open and very frank discussions with your T about this. Like others have said, talking about it is the only way to know if she is able to meet you where you are at. I found it hard at first with my T because she seemed to really shy away from being labelled as the 'good enough mother'. I don't think she liked the idea of being that for me, even though she WAS being that for me. I think it is just a modality of work that she wasn't used to? Hadn't done before? I don't know, but like you I always felt that she wasn't very experienced, but in a way that made it more real for me. It made her a human, and together we found a way. That was our mantra.

Do I/Did I feel guilt towards my Mum? Yes. Absolutely. This all came to the surface after my Mum died, actually, which made those feelings seem worse for me, because I was talking ill of the dead, if that makes sense? I so wanted to love my Mum, and I wanted her to love me, and like you, I am sure she did her best, but her best wasn't good enough for me, and that made me feel needy and awkward. Like it might have been good enough for someone else, but not for difficult old me.

But my T, again, helped me to see that while it wasn't necessarily my Mum's fault, that didn't mean it was mine either. That she couldn't be there for me like that, like I deserved, possibly because she had never been shown how, possibly because she had issues that no-one had helped her with.

I started to tell my Mum I loved her, in the last couple of years before she died, and not once did she say it back. I have no idea whether my Mum loved me or not. I think she felt something for me, I have to believe that, but I'm not sure she would have known what love is either, to be honest.

I don't know if this is going to be helpful or not. I don't know if it is my place to say it or not, but you asked about regret earlier. The one thing I do regret is not having these conversations with my Mum while I still could. I regret not being able to tell her how I felt. I regret not being able to tell her what happened to me as a child. I regret turning my back on her all those years earlier and I regret not being emotionally open with her. That's what I regret. I can NEVER get that back again, and it is why I am trying so hard to try and resolve these things with my remaining family (largely unsuccessfully so far but I felt that we were SO close, making the ending of my therapy with K so very very hard indeed).

Sorry for the long post, I am feeling a lot tonight.