I can never relax i need barbiturates

But I'm understanding many things.. Cognition is all there.. A lot of thoughts.. Apathy, frustration, pain.. But also content that I'm not being as ignorant and avoidant of everything.. I am coming more out of my shell in a way - To the world..

It just seems like everything that I do is wrong and I haven't caught up to dealing with yesterday let alone than with today. And it's been going like this for months or a year. Idk wtf is happening.