I have Autism with Selective Mutism and Severe Social Anxiety.

In my younger years I had a hearing loss due to another medical issue and was taught signing and lip-reading/body language.

I think the structured way this was taught to me due to the sudden hearing loss really helped as what we didn't realise was that I had an Auditory processing disorder. Seems it was unheard of in the 70's as was autism in girls!


Anyway the point of mentioning that was it helped me in my social skills at that time of life.

Fast forward 30 + years and life has changed alot for me.

I had depression due to a bereavement so due to this didn't relaise I was entering peri-menopause which seemed to exaggerate some of my autistic behaviours again.

I became very avoidant and much preferred to be alone.I was getting to the point I had one friend and I resented her. I felt I could not relate to her at all anymore as she was part of a world I felt I no longer fit in. (as I'd discovered by this time that I wasn't 'deaf' as such but had an auditory processing disorder due to the autism which is why I can't recognise sounds even when I can hear them and struggle making sense of speech).

tbh I was relieved when lockdown first arrived and had told 'the friend' that I would be in the CEV before I'd even been confirmed as vulnerable. I thought I'd get a couple of months break but of course the longer it has gone on,the less motivated I have felt to engage socially and the PM making me really avoidant seems to have also re-triggered the SM element of things.


I haven't spoken to 'the friend' in months not even by texts. I thanked her for sending me a birthday card a couple of months ago but didn't receive a reply. I think its considered to have gone 'past the point of awkward' now.

I'm not sure if she's waiting for me to contact her as every conversation was leading to her wanting to meet up even after I'd said I wouldn't survive getting covid so I'd stopped answering texts.


I figured I'd make new friends in my own time when things could go back to normal for me...join an art class or something,if anyone asked about 'my friends' I'd just say they died of covid! ...as so many others have lost several friends and family this won't be considered unusual in these times!


But feeling I prefer my own company and finding having to speak and face to face communication (with anyone other than a select few) harder and harder as this all drags out!!!