Feeling anxiety and fear about going to the senior's center tomorrow for lunch. It's less than 13 hours away now, at 11:30am tomorrow. I had planned on wearing my favorite African dress, but it exposes my scarred arms so i've decided against it. I'll wear long-sleeves even tho the weather is hot hot hot. I guess it is only wise that the first thing people there know about me is NOT that i have emotional problems. Later, if it's appropriate, but not right off.

Organizations are clique-y so i have to be prepared for that. If i end up sitting by myself that's okay. In Vancouver i tried to join in too quickly and people reacted badly. In a DBT Day Hospital i attended the women repeating the session said how hostile they felt to the newcomers. Let them have time to look me over and get used to my face. Someone friendly will make an overture eventually.

I'm feeling grief tonight about my diet which has unraveled. Also about that recent online relationship that imploded. As i advised someone here recently, i am just letting myself experience the grief, not push it away, not indulge it, just allow it to be and it will pass of it's own accord.

Unfortunately, i have been very public on Facebook about my diet and two of the women in my friend group are very pro-dieting, even having had weight-loss surgery. I regret being so public about it. Now they will think i am a hypocrite or weak-willed.

It's okay, i don't have deep admiration for either of them tho they are fine as casual friends. The woman i admire most in our group is very compassionate and adroit and mindful and not attractive and pays no attention to fashion and thinks Western women worry about their weight too much. Yet i admire her most of all.

I just feel by dieting i am focusing on the SYMPTOM not the CAUSE. The cause of my binge-eating is overpowering emotions. Seems more and more like i need a DBT therapist.

There's nothing to do about it for the moment. I've read about DBT and emotional intelligence and it didn't help, so it's clear that i need the help of others. My referral to a therapist has been in play for three months now, so it'll be three to six months more. The eating disorders support org programs don't start til October.

I'll just have to cope as best i can until then.

The new Fall clothes are out at Walmart and i bought two jeans, one blue, one black, exact same style, with fancy flys with three buttons and a zipper and "skinny" legs. They are stretchy. It was a delight to find jeans in my size, such a challenge as i am into the plus-sizes. So i'm happy about that.

I love clothes!

During my recent online friendship the man confided that he lost patience with his ex-wife's appetite for clothes as she had an outfit for every day of the year. Their basement was filled with her clothes. I didn't tell him, but to me that sounds like nirvana!