Hi

I have Autism with SM and SA so rarely went out socially even before the pandemic.


I do see sibling and their partner. She often says things after a few too many (drinks) that kind of indicate what my sibling has told them about me!

The last time she came out with 'you're afraid of people aren't you?' I was a bit taken aback as I hadn't thought about it like that.


I know he's told her I have autism and 'don't like most people' too.. I felt she was getting the wrong impression and was annoyed with him at first but then wondered if I am giving off those signals because I feel so nervous around new people?

Having Autism too means I can't see or imagine the same scenario from someone else's viewpoint and as she's quite a recent addition to our family setup( he's only been going out with her a couple of years) I have been in peri-menopause since we met meaning I get waves of intense paranoia (usually just before a monthly is due even if it doesn't arrive fully) and often feel that other people don't like me, or all my neighbours know (I never told them I had autism when I moved here) and think I'm 'weird'

I have found myself very avoidant like I'll join a fb group cos I felt lonely but then if someone mentioned sending a private message or chatting I panic as don't feel I will be able to physically speak on demand, so left and decided to try a more anonymous forum where people type only.


I don't know if this is because I've always functioned 'behind a mask' and don't feel comfortable with anyone other than family seeing 'the real me' or just because my anxiety has increased due to wildly fluctuating hormone levels right now??


Also as I've got older I have more understanding of some of my difficulties and realised I was misdiagnosed several times through life due to being unable to explain symptoms etc properly.

This is making me feel I don't know who I am or supposed to be from other people's viewpoint and I've lost friends because (i thin) they think I was fake when it was simply that I've been able to get re-diagnosed once I had greater understanding and ability to express myself in writing to professionals.



Sometimes I want to have friends but if someone does respond privately I'm immediately scared of their intentions.


If a person is real life face to face I'm wondering what they're capable of doing to me (have a history of bullying and gaslighting and possibly have C-PTSD but never been able to talk to a therapist in person due to the Autism/SM)

Sorry if this is too long or not considered appropriate. I feel very disconnected from the rest of the world and society at the minute