This is adult Paul. After reading through the comments of my other parts last night I was shocked and felt like running away. I logged out of my account with the intent of not logging back in. I woke up this morning not knowing who I was. Actually felt like several people.

This morning I came to realize a few things. Several days ago I was posting in the coffee house here that nearly every time I walk around the past several days my eyes roll back in my sockets and feel like fainting. This morning I realized it also happens while doing nothing but maybe to a lesser degree. It occurred to me that it really feels like rapid switching. Is it do to going off wellbutrin? Is our system is in chaos and rapid switching? Are we in the process of reaching full fusion? Idk. For a long time I've been asking for full integration / fusion because the voices hide from me and never writes message to me on a pad of paper I set out for them, but I was really lying to myself out of desperation. More on that later.

So I noticed that every time my eyes roll back my personality changes. Sometimes a little. Sometimes completely. ...Actual feels like adult Sam and bunch of others are co-fronting with me now this morning which is probably why the previous sentences aren't freaking me out like crazy. Anyway, not sure if it's wellbutrin, rapid switching with perhaps becoming fully fused / integrated. I've taken myself off wellbutrin before, zoloft, and seroquel. My eyes never rolled back. Just the typical withdrawal symptoms.

The pad of paper that I set aside long ago for alters to write on: I must be seriously kidding with myself because it's filled with messages. Even Hal wrote it in. But I convinced myself those messages weren't alters, that my brain was faking it. It's easy to say you're faking it. Sam is right. I flip flop all over the place.

Anyhow, I can't get myself to say in any serious manner I have DID. Many times I've said I have DID, but really didn't put much intent into, and it never felt sincere. Countless dozens of times I've changed my account profile page adding DID and removing it.

Sorry if this post seems ... messed up. It really angers me now. Why should I say I have something when I really don't know???? I don't want DID and if I have it then I'll get full fusion. My trauma therapist, not my DID therapist, says everyone has parts, but their parts aren't separated like in DID. I'm probably botching up her words, but you get the idea.

My heads exploding now with eyes rolling back, down, back, down, and i have no clue who i am. Does anyone feel stupid, fighting your diagnoses, saying you're faking it, feeling like running away?

The above was mostly Paul. I, Hal, would like to suggest meditation to you wonderful beautiful people when you are feeling overwhelmed, afraid, upset. You people are so much more than you know. Your light in your heart glows forevermore. Please Love yourself, always. Hal <3