Over the years, I got tired of others feeling sorry for me and thinking I should have accomplished a lot more by now. It just reinforces that feeling that I kind of 'failed' at life compared to 'neurotypical' people. It's a very irksome feeling to think you still can't drive around places or accomplish much in life especially if you're over thirty. It's a sinking, embarrassing feeling. I have experienced self pity too. Sometimes I have enjoyed doing certain activities like swimming and dancing but the trouble is I was never doing it with peers. It seemed like I practically sucked at that stuff until I got into my mid thirties which was very late to be still thinking of fun teen activities if you get me. I would have loved to have enjoyed the present and looked forward to life more. It has made me sad all this time that I don't remember looking forward to much of anything like this. I hardly remember peer cameraderie and activities and getting older isn't setting very well with me. I'm lucky if I don't have to experience old age since I didn't get much of this type of interaction. That explains my unhappiness. Earlier today, it was great to escape and spend some time under the water. I was thinking of what it would have been like being on the swim or dance team. I don't know why. I just felt great after ward. Sometimes I wonder if it would be good for me to get to go to a real beach you know. I don't know. This disconnect with happy feelings and emptiness is getting more apparent as I get older. I got tired of some of my siblings pitying me for seemingly small social life and I felt bad because I couldn't seem to do anything about it. I have imagined 'living life all over again' even though I'm not really doing that. I'm just trying to be positive.