Everything going on with me lately has been extremely stressing and concerning. However, I always seem to hover that line between help and not warranting it. The issue is, I don’t have social supports, I don’t have friends, I don’t have anything or anywhere to voice myself about anything but this forum so I really do have to handle things myself unless I happen to see a therapist that week. It’s one of those issues where I’m not in a crisis by a medical definition, but it’s a personal hell and crisis that is torture to endure day in and day out. The worst part is, I don’t even know where to start to change.

This week I have both therapy and I see the psychiatrist. I scheduled appointments because I felt I should, that it’s the only non-emergency options I have (I’m not in a state where emergency interventions are needed). However, I don’t even know where to start or what to say. With my therapist. I’ve seen her a few times, dropped off the face of the earth for like 3 months, and recently came back to it. Truth is, I don’t like her, I don’t think she understands me well. Every time we talk, it doesn’t help either I can’t bring my thoughts together and talk about growth, just overwhelming issues of that week/day. Granted—they are pressing things at the time, and rather big things… just I know we’re not getting anywhere and it’s not her fault in that respect. However, the only reason I haven’t decided to see someone else Is cause I don’t want to start all over again. But, my appointment is for this Thursday which she has changed 3 times now. Making It later and later and later. Currently it’s set to 7pm. I understand things come up and changes to scheduling get made. I’m really not upset with her, and she isn’t causing me any stress in terms of my schedule. I never have a thing in my life going on. But I can’t help but feel annoyed how it keeps getting pushed further away. It’s not really at the therapist, it’s more with myself, I think. Why do I reach out for help? No one has time for my crap! Lol. I know when we talk she’ll apologize profusely for having to change it, and it’s really ok… but I’m not prepared for a therapy session because I can’t explain how I feel or what I’m going through. I know that’s frustrating to everyone, especially me. I don’t know how to articulate anything right now.

The psychiatrist is also a big stressor. I asked to see someone else this time around. I feared the one I was seeing would make comment about disappearing (again) and not continuing medication [I've not taken meds for about 6-7 months now]. So, I at least get to start over with a new person. I have been on a lot of different things and for whatever reason they always stop working or never did. I just have very little hope in them anymore and it’s only a last-ditch effort to try to get to a better place that I’m even looking at medicine again. I do plan to explain that to my doctor. I’m here because I’m choosing to be, I’m going to try to follow through, but I am very disheartened about meds and how it can help – because my experience is they may for a short while, but only that. That is this Friday.

It’s only Tuesday, so why am I so bent out of shape? Because between now and then I’ll worry and worry and worry and never get any closer to feeling I can have a productive therapy session or have a successful psych doc visit. I’m doing what I think I’m supposed to, but I have to suffer before, and probably not have much help after, and it’s not from a lack of them doing their jobs. It’s not that I truly think I’m too messed up to be ok, but I do wonder if I’ll ever live outside of these issues. I mean, I’ve been this way since I could remember…

Anyway, thanks for listening. If you have any suggestions on how to make these meetings a bit better, I’d appreciate it. I know writing down some thoughts and things may help my therapist, but I sincerely can’t seem to focus on that. I’m going to try to anyway though. I am halfway tempted to just cancel on her. I don’t want to waste her time or mine, but at the same time… whether I get help or not, she gets paid. I mean that lovingly. She has tried her hardest to keep me on her schedule, and I do think she cares about me – I should just keep it so she can get paid, and not cause her a hardship.

I’m sorry for dumping here even in the most vaguest of terms. I don’t have social supports in my life and I’ve been accustomed to having myself to process, and I’ve grown fond and dependent on hoping to get benefit from a forum setting. Not without it’s own issues… But thanks everyone for reading.