I had a session with J today. I had kind of forgotten that I actually quite liked it there, even if the room is very small and even if I'm not sure how we would work creatively. She has the stuff, so must be able to make it work, but I can't see it, for now. She had the chairs side by side ready, which was good.

I will be seeing her for three sessions before I am due back to see B again. Just trialling. Seeing how things go.

Sat here in bed though I think I realised why I thought B was quite good. She was active in the therapy. She didn't just wait for me. She took the initiative to move her chair around. She asked me how I would like the room in future. She asked questions and she had the suggestion about using the paper to write out th boundaries. She didn't just wait for me, and I think that is why I thought she was quite good. I don't like her use of the word boundaries though, and I don't like her boundaries either, but I'm conscious that that could be old stuff talking. I never was given many boundaries as a Teenager, and I rebelled against any that were set, so it's not something I have a particularly healthy experience with. Maybe that in itself is a reason to give her a go.

She said she totally understood that I was in a process of finding someone to work with, and that it was no problem to cancel if I felt I needed to. She said that she advocates finding the right person to do this with, which is a good thing I think.

I didn't think I would, but I told J a little bit about our relationship today, how it enabled th integration of Little One, how you said you loved me on that final day, about the work we did together.

She is the third person now to mention speaking to you. I don't think you would go for it though, for some reason. I don't know why, if all these people seem to think it is something that can be done.

She talked about maybe me trying to take back some control by setting a date, by which I would close the door on you if you hadn't got in touch. I guess this is what led to me opening up about the work we did and about the relationship because I remember saying that I didn't think I would ever close the door on you. Not for your sake but for mine... It feels cruel, like shutting the door on Little One. I said I would always leave the door open, even if I didn't think you were on the other side anymore.

I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you will come back in some way.