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*Beth* · Aug 24, 2021, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@BethRags:

I cut my mom off several times when i had tremendously stressful events to prepare for, like writing a deferred exam i needed to pass for my university degree. I did it because i found my mom very triggering even if all she wanted to do was chat because it stirred up the legacy of trauma from my childhood with her functional alcoholism and her and my dad's role in my brother's death.

Just thought i'd share that with you so you might understand that your daughter is acting for her own protection and that while you might feel prepared to have a benign relationship with her now, she might have a different experience.

I always appreciated that my mom respected my wishes, even tho she told me when i got back in touch that she'd *wanted* to reach out. Alls i can say is that you do the same, out of care for your daughters judgment of what is best for her at this moment. She'll be in touch if she ever finds herself strong enough to interact with you.

A mother/daughter relationship is a very powerful thing and i know my mom did not understand how triggering she was to me but i always appreciated that she co-operated with me in my best judgment for what was best for me during those times i had to take a break from her.

Don't think of it as rejection. Just think of it as supporting your daughter and co-operating with your daughter in the way *she* desires at this moment. She'll contact you when she is ready.

...

Thank you, Jane. I know you mean well. I will say that my daughter grew up in a family that was as "normal" as any family can be. She was not abused or even lightly mistreated in any way. None. On the contrary, she struggled with anxiety, especially school anxiety. Everyone, the school included, jumped through hoops to meet her needs. My best friend tells me I spoiled my daughter until she became selfish. What can I say? It's true. To me, my children are so precious it was always hard to say "no" to them.

When my daughter initially cut off contact I felt so ashamed, as if the whole world "knew" I had been a bad mother. After lots of therapy and many discussions with my husband I concluded that I had been an excellent mother, and that the issue my daughter was having is about herself, not about me.

The only *oddity* in my daughter's childhood and young years was that my husband adopted her when she was a newborn. He adored her and raised her completely as his biological daughter. She still communicates with him, just not with me. She knows I would never abandon her.

My daughter has no complaints, Jane. I have had to face the fact that she has the ability to be sickeningly selfish. I've never done anything to "trigger" her. If anything, I (and the rest of the family) have given her the confidence to go as far as she has in her life - which is pretty far.