After last face to face session, I initially said I wanted to not see him again until after his vacation (he is going away in two weeks) then I later said I would try zoom (I've been struggling with face to face).

In today's zoom session, things had been going well, we had talked through a few things I had been struggling with about going back to face to face and I felt more connected to him than I have in a while, but then in the last 20 minutes I said I wondered whether to do face to face or zoom next week (the last session before the break). T said his first instinct was "come see me" but that it might not be what I want, and that's okay. I liked that he said that. But then he said "You won't like this, but, when you said last week you wanted a break I thought 'that's four weeks'" I asked what he meant. He said "it would be a four week break, instead of two, we've never had a four week break before". I said yes but I don't know what point you're making. He said "it just felt to me you were cutting of your nose to spite your face. That would be twice as hard for you as two weeks".

I was very quiet and said "you are right, I don't like that". He asked what I was feeling, I said that it felt really disrespectful. He hasn't even asked why I wanted an extended break (it was because I was struggling with face to face and felt that I needed a good run to get used to it, and the break would probably make getting used to it harder) and instead he had decided he knew what was happening. I said that I didn't feel my autonomy or my boundaries had been respected. I said it made me think he didn't take me seriously. He agreed it wasn't respectful and apologised. I said we also need to pay attention to why he says stuff he knows could be hurtful so close to the end of sessions (this is not the first time, and I know he knew it could be hurtful because he said "you won't like this"). He said he would like to know why I wanted to take a break but understood if I didn't want to tell him right now. I didn't.

I thought that conversation would help me to figure out whether to see him face to face or on zoom next week, but it has left me unsure whether I want to see him at all.