So I havent talked to like Ben for over a week 8 days exactly. I've been thinking of getting new hobbies for myself but I find getting to the world and with other people very daunting. I feel like theres a huge mental block there and even though I can suggest fun things for others to do I can't for the life of me, think of anything to do for myself. I just feel scared and out of my depths when it comes to being with others in society. I don't want to cling onto one person like a scared rat in the rain which is why I think I've tolerated Ben's lack of trustworthiness for this long. It's just I don't understand really like he wasn't like that in the first 2-or three years but now he is like telling his mum things about me. I just can't make sense of it to be honest. With everything that's happened with my friendships in the past I feel like I won't be as tolerant, if my future friends show a sign of untrustworthiness. To be honest that's how it's always has been I should have been firmer with my boundaries but never the less I'm taking the lessons with me. I just hope that my future friendships don't leave me feeling as uncertain and unsure of myself as this failure of a friendship did. My sister said I shouldn't cut him out but I don't feel any confidence in being able to repair it, because it almost seems like he doesn't even understand why I was upset. It shouldnt be something that I'm still thinking about but it's what I've been thinking about a lot. Apart for today I had nice food at a pub and then went fishing with my family and neice. I just feel broken hearted, I never thought I could feel this over a friendship.