Yesterday's session was intense, in a good way. We started off talking about the sadness/grief I have been feeling. L gave me a few examples of how people might process grief. One was an example of imagining putting lights up in the scary dark places. Another was finding a safe spot to cry. And the other was finding time to cry during a long drive. I felt even more sad because I don't have a space spot to cry. L is my only safe spot. And I don't have time to cry with her. She asked if I cried at all this last week, and I hadn't. She said (and I agreed) that I'm "emotionally constipated", and desperately needed to cry. So we scheduled a double session, picked a topic/event that was bothering me currently and we got out the kleenex box. I cried and cried, and it felt so good. She told me to cry on the way home, but I couldn't. We both think we should schedule more crying sessions for me. I don't think I've ever had a planned crying session nor have I ever really discussed that topic. If this was 2 years ago, I would never have been able to do this. Also, if I didn't feel safe with her, I wouldn't have been able to do it either. So I think we're moving through the rupture finally.

About the rupture: L wrote me an email last week that included a detailed apology. Her apology finally sunk through to me, and I was able to accept it. Now when she apologizes, I have the urge to stop her and console her. I don't want her to be sorry anymore. I don't even know if we need to process it anymore. I also realized that since the rupture, she's done something to protect me, and it proves to me that she is safe, and will protect our relationship and my safe space.

Also, we finally got her birthday card to me! It was undeliverable and got sent back to her. She gave it to me yesterday. I absolutely love it! And I'm glad my sister didn't get it and give it to me on my birthday. Now I get to cherish it all myself!