Soooo, I went to see another new lady yesterday. I don't think she is the right person for me. She would have been, 5 years ago maybe, but not for this phase of work I don't think. She was lovely, but not very 'robust'. I'm not even sure what I mean by that really, but that was what my gut feeling was.
Something happened though, and she said something, which has given me cause for thought. She started talking about not knowing about my history, but that she could make an assumption, which she said she was trying not to do. Something about me being very hurt.

I started to feel emotional but I refuse to let myself go there, not with someone I don't know. Not in an environment I don't feel safe in. A book I am reading talks about dissociation and likens it to getting in the spaceship and departing the body/room when things get too much. I think I could liken what happened to that. She asked how I was feeling, because she was feeling emotional, and thought maybe that was because of the feelings in the room. Silence. Head turned away. Looking at the cracks in the wall. Nope. Not going there. No way.

Old T got back to me today. In the grand scheme of things 4 weeks is nothing, no time at all, they pass so quickly, usually. But for me, this past 4 weeks have felt like 4 months as I try to get to grips with everything. But she got back to me and said that she has been speaking to someone who she thinks would be a good fit for me and who would be able to work with me in the way that I am used to and the way that I need. But this lady is still finalising premises near me, so isn't in a position to start working yet. She also mentioned that the lady is 'thinking about it', so maybe she won't want to work with me anyway. One of the things Old T has said a few times is that this will likely be 'long-term' work still, whereas you said that maybe this will be short term work, maybe I would only need 6 months now that we have done a lot of the groundwork.

I don't know. I don't know if it will be short term or long term, I really can't get a sense of it at all, swinging between the two is where I am at right now, but I think I need to be open to the possibility that it could be either. Anyway, getting to the point, (you know I like words!) the fact that what she said in the session yesterday caused me to get into that spaceship and fly as far away as I could get leads me to think that maybe this will be long-term work after all.

I wish I had you to help me make this decision. Instead I am doing something that I know you would be pleased about. I am talking to R and I am talking to a friend about it too. Someone who gets it. It's not the same, as it is small snippets here and there. It isn't the focus that a session provides, but it is better than doing it alone, I think.

Oh, something else positive that Old T said was that this lady she know is aware what a commitment this work will be on both sides. I think that's what is putting me off with B, you see, the fact that I will be just 50 minutes in her otherwise very busy week. I don't know that I will be able to go there with knowing that, without feeling like it really is important. Who knows though, I certainly don't! I don't feel like I have a clue what I am doing at the moment.

I'm just trying to find a way forwards as best I can right now, and I guess I should give myself a bit of a break about it.