Today’s session spun off in a different direction than I was expecting. R asked me how I was in the moment, and I really struggled to answer her question.

‘How are you doing in the moment does not require me to scan over the last week!’

I conceded that I was having difficulty with the question, and then explained that I had drafted an email to the theatre company after last session. R seemed very interested in my having taken that action.

‘I don’t want to get too philosophical, but almost for the greater good?’

I explained that it was a mixture of our conversation and a George Harrison song.

‘He has a song that begins with the line “Everyone has choice, when to and not to raise their voices. It’s you that decides…’

‘I really like that.’

We moved into talking about the accessibility board meeting, and my surprise at feeling utterly comfortable in a Zoom room full of new people with common lived experience of loss and disability. I mentioned the blog within the first five minutes. R seemed impressed by my openness. I then explained that the director had approached me via email with a view to republishing some of my old posts.

R asked what my initial response was, and I said ‘Ouch.’ She said hers would be ‘Wow’, and complimented me on my writing career.

I laughed, and she wondered why.

‘I’m laughing at ‘writing career.’

‘I thought so – do you not feel that? I definitely think you have a writing career. It’s not something you do as a hobby. I see you as somebody who writes and teaches.’

She reached across her desk, muttering ‘Where is it?’ and continued. ‘I don’t know many writers whose books I own!’ as she held up her copy of the mental health anthology.
We spent most of the rest of the session talking about what is holding me back with regard to this decision.
R offered a visualisation technique she has used. Imagine taking each of the choices you are facing, and tune in to how your body feels in response.

We worked out that I can ask the woman for more information and then decide. We will discuss my email next week. Our breathing exercises focused on my shoulders and stomach.