God.. Everything is so damn overwhelming - Yet I'm content. Idk what's gonna happen. I need 2 socialize with people. I need light!..

I'm much better today than yesterday. I didn't have the motivation to brush my teeth or shave - I was like "Wow.. I've been doing so good with hygiene these past few years that I completely understand how bad negative symptoms can be" - Because I took mush and smoked weed. So I didn't do that today.

I'm excited.. I'm calm too.. A few days ago, I brought my computer outside and it felt so natural to complete making the Monero wallet. I tried to read outside a bit about fasting but I wasn't up to it.

Work these past few days was so easy as well. Time went by really fast.. Two more days left and then I'll work Friday-Sunday instead of also Monday.

I realize how well I'm doing.. I was sui last week. Idk what happened.. I don't remember much these days - I think it's the pandemic.. I'm ok with myself - I try to help my mom because she's so stressed.. It's still chaos in a way but I'm keeping track of everything.

I'm taking the stimulant 95% as prescribed - It really helps with focus and my daydreaming. I thought about buying drugs online but I think that time has passed. My cousin will visit and I'm not sure how I should explain my drug use (He's been sober for 5+ years and got a psychology degree) - Like if I'm doing the opposite of sobriety and using drugs responsibly where the middle would be addiction.. Like how starving yourself is the opposite of fasting and normal is just eating unhealthy..

I have ideas.. I just try to drag along. One thing I've thought about is how exhausted I am. I remember when I was 19, I said "I won't live until age 20" but I did.. Then when I was 24, I said "I won't live until age 25" but I did.. And the thing to get over that feeling is to accept that I will live longer.. Another thing is the procrastination. I have a lot more energy now once I make the decision to be happier and more hopeful/optimistic. I know the deep depths of nihilism that can consume people - I think it's a choice.

Because many people don't have empathy like I do. I know that I'm supposed to fight but I understand people and their beliefs - My trip taught me that. There's so much political tension and people judge like "x person is x and I don't like..". I don't seem to identify with anything. I know that I'm hallucinating everything. I AM YOU. Namaste.

I should relax and listen to Alan Watts. If this particular weed strain makes me unmotivated like yesterday then I won't smoke it anymore. I'm sure that it was the mush capsule but usually after taking even that, I feel so much better a few days later. I did have heart palpitations last night - I had to take a clonazepam to sleep.

A good amount of hiking, sleep, healthy food/distilled water, meditation, learning, music, podcasts, books, meds/vitamins, socializing, exploring my mind an the world + A vacation soon to visit family after my sister leaves.. Things will be good. September will be good.