Earlier in the summer I was binging and purging but I stopped when I saw a little bit of blood in my vomit and then I just started eating less. I have schizoaffective disorder and was hospitalized for it and they messed up my meds and I became really paranoid about everything they were putting in my body-especially food because at least the meds I can watch them take the pill out of the pouch. So I stopped eating for a few days because I didn't want to get sick again because of them.

Now I'm still not eating much and I've lost a **** ton of weight. Everyone calls me skinny or says stuff like "wow you lost a lot of weight, good for you." I feel good about that, but I want to lose more. I want to look how I did in high school when I was on the varsity XC and track team (AKA underweight). I look at my body and all I see is the fat that I want to vanish forever. A friend of mine brought up concern that I hardly eat and I walk too much and she thinks I have a proper eating disorder. Food does make me anxious and meal times suck, but I think that's just leftover paranoia from being poisoned, although I don't particularly feel fear of getting sick, it's more fear of gaining weight now. I keep a journal of what I eat and when so I can look at it and be like "you can't have the whole sandwich because you had a handful of pecans 4 hours ago." I store "safe foods" hidden in my bedroom too so other people can't eat them on me and I have them for when I need them.

I don't know what to think. I'm still processing the psychosis and I think that's going to take a while because it was quite severe and still lingering (I get stuck in disorganized thinking for a few hours at a time here and there and I still get paranoid about other things and sometimes hallucinate but it's nowhere as bad as it was).

I am at a "healthy weight" for my height, but I used to be very overweight bordering on obese about a year ago so the weight loss is present.

Does this sound more like recovering from a schizoaffective episode or eating disorder-ish?

Sorry this was so long.