I drafted this to you, I probably won't send it, not yet anyway. I will continue to be as patient as I can be....

Dear T,

I am thinking of you so much. Hoping that you are doing ok. Hoping that you are finding time in amongst everything to rest and recuperate. Wondering what is going on for you. Wishing I could know. Wishing I could make things better for you.

Also wishing I could make things better for me, too.

I'm lost. Lost and hurting and trying to find my way as best I can. Trying to understand what has happened here. Trying to make sense of something that is simply incomprehensible. Maybe we are both in a similar place.

I miss you so much, T. Both as a therapist and as a human being.

I am trying my best to keep going, one small foot in front of another. Eating, sleeping, working, exercising. Trying to make you proud of me by continuing on with all the things that I know are good for me. Reaching out where I can to friends and to R. Journaling instead of emailing you. Trying to find someone else to continue this journey with, largely unsuccessfully I hasten to add.

Writing this I realise that there isn't much play going on. There isn't much of the 'doing nice things just for me' that you hoped for. It will come, in time, I am sure, but the hurt and confusion are still too strong right now.

I love you and I miss you,

Me