It's really difficult to be where you are right now. It's very difficult to find any meaningful. Advice which is maybe where dialofuing with people who share this kind of ideation can help. I try to alleviate these symptoms in different ways one of which was self medication which nearly killed me and self harm which is often my go to response. I managed to stop the self medication 19 years ago but the self hatred and urges to self harm and self sabotage in response to low mood are still a huge problem for me. I can really identify with your difficulties in seeing a way through. You aren't on your own.