A lot of people in pain like you are are very giving people who tend to feel love and give more than they receive back. I know in my case that I struggle to disentangle my perceptions on reality. I sometimes feel. Like that beaten dog which is grateful for any bit of kindness shown. I have had a couple of experiences which have helped me though this but it's always there and always need to be worked on. Maybe you should have a think about why you extend your kindnesses to others. That might help you to look at yourself and your journey in a clearer light.