Still very upset. Same flashes of anger at RS for “judging” my parenting which is complete nonsense, he’s not and I know I’m just projecting because I’m convinced I am a **** parent. I set my son up for failure from genealogy alone. He’s exactly like me in terms of personality and anxiety, I am exactly like my mom, she’s exacty like my grandfather, and I imagine it continues to go back.

I’m just realizing that he is not an innocent little boy anymore. He’ll be 11 in a few months and I can see from the way he talks about school that the social landscape is changing. He’s going to be starting fifth grade in a week. I wish I could shield him from what I know is coming but I know I can’t, I’ve got to let him learn and grow on his own. I can’t help but think of everything I’ve done wrong and all the ways I’ve traumatized him in his short life. All I can hope for is he remembers how hard I tried when he is older.

I also completely freaked out a moment ago because we’ve got to get a marriage license and I need the death certificate from my first marriage and come to find out I don’t have any. I had a bunch of copies but had to send them out to his medical debt collectors. I had to give one to the DMV to get his car sold. Then I had to give one to the bank to get his name off my account. I guess that was my last copy and I didn’t realize. I’m going to order a new one but it said it could take 8-12 weeks and I’m getting married in six! I’ve decided though that we’ll go through with the ceremony and reception if only for show, and we will get legally married at another time at the courthouse if I can’t get the marriage license in time. I’ve put too much time, energy, and money into this wedding to just cancel.

We’re doing a day trip to the shore tomorrow for the last day of summer, my summer at least. Again I was angry with RS because he implied we’re not going on the beach and in the water because of me even though I said I was fine to just sit on the beach while they played. But I’m just angry right now with no idea as to why.