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Rose76
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Rose76 Treading water.
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Default Aug 31, 2021 at 07:11 PM
 
I've lost interest in the future. I feel as though my life from here on in is like a prison sentence I'll be serving.

I have absolutely no self-harm inclinations. I just wish my life were over. I don't have the kind of painful grief I had a year ago. But I've lost the hopefulness I managed to have for a period of months. I just want out of here.

I can cope with him being gone. I just can't seem to find much value in what I have left without him. I know that's each person's responsibility to find their own way to make life meaningful. I don't have the energy. Others find me companionable and want to get together with me. I stay home by myself because I don't find them companionable. I don't want anyone coming over. I don't want to visit anyone. I don't want to have to listen to any of them . . . to have to entertain them. I can make myself sociable. I just don't want to bother.

I guess I don't really respect those who are available to me. They each get in touch with me . . . to get some need met. They mean well. One wanted to bring me an ice cream sunday the other day. I declined her offer. Said I had just eaten. Had she come by, she would have planted herself for a few hours. If she were willing to watch a movie with me I wouldn't mind. But she'ld be insulted, if I put the TV on. On the phone, she converses better. When she's here, she goes quiet and waits for me to verbally coax her out of that. She'll reach up into the air, stretch and stare straight ahead. Then she'll hang her head down and stare at the floor. Then she'll rest her face in her hands, staring with unfocused gaze. That's my cue to start interviewing her. That's what she's waiting for. She wants me to draw her out . . . let her go into relating a chapter of her life. I know enough now that I could write her biography. It's a one way street. She likes to be the object of attention. People like that can suck the life out of you. I'ld rather read a magazine.

Staying alone like I'm doing is not healthy either. I don't know what to do.
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