My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 9, both mid 30's. No kids, working and successful professionals.

She has a history of abuse/trauma from her childhood (non-sexual), and stemmed into generalized anxiety/ptsd which then led to sexual anxiety/performance anxiety that didn't really become an issue until several years into the relationship.

My wife is a strong and wonderful person. She's been seeking therapy throughout our relationship, she is always trying and working on making progress, she loves and cares a lot about me which she shows in her ways. I love her too, I try to be supportive, understanding, learn what I can and adapt to help her as much as I can and I try to show her I love her in my ways and her ways.

But we are like many couples very different people. I'm a physical person, she's a verbal person. I'm a focused/deep diver, she's a jump from thought to thought person. I have a very high sex drive, she has a low sex drive, which may or may not be influenced by hormonal BC which she's been on since she's been a teenager. I'm a technical person and love technology, she's very much connected to nature and the living world around her. These aren't inherently problems, the differences initially made things interesting, gave us balance and ultimately on things like religion, politics, education and finances we share similar viewpoints and opinions, so on the balance its a partnership that could work with empathy, understanding, communication and love.

Many years ago, as part of her therapy and recovery (although it was my idea), I basically stopped initiating sex for several years. With my high sex drive the pressure was only causing more issues so this way to give her time to cope. Our sex life dropped to very infrequent at that time for several years and it took a significant toll on me. She made progress in therapy, and we've made progress from there. While I'm fully aware that what she was and is coping with is harder and worse than myself, being deprived, in need, silent, outwardly supportive and very frustrated was a significant emotional and mental drain, one that has effected my happiness, confidence and self esteem and that impact continues to this day.

One thing she worked on was her ability to say no, which is great and is something everyone needs to be empowered with. However between performance anxiety, general life/priority scheduling, and her empowerment over saying no, the truth is now if I ask for something (and my asking is never an immediate or demand), the answer is either no, or not right now which really is a no because it never happens. Yes is not something I've experienced on my terms/timing in years. I've developed a complex now at being able to communicate what I want for physical intimacy, because if I actually ask for it, it results in it not happening at that time or in any time frame that I would still want it.

Beyond that, there is the fact that (not blaming anyone as its no ones fault and I'm not even the worst off) if i want something and am turned on, I'm faced with even if she IS open and responsive to trying something its going to be a mountain/maze of mental/emotional navigation, paying close attention to her and constantly reading her body language to attempt to try and avoid or head off any anxiety and its exhausting. After years I've become very good at reading her, focusing on her, understanding her, and she's also learned the same for herself.

Contrast this to her being able to wake up, roll over and say "I want you to do X" and she gets it without any effort. Knowing this, she never leverages those rare situations as a way to give or initiate something I've asked for. The sheer "availability" difference feels so unfair that I can't help but feel more and more anger and resentment over it. Beyond that, the focus is on her so much that her ability to focus on, read my body language or follow feedback and give pleasure is very different to the other direction.

I do my best to be supportive and understanding and patient, we have many conversations, come up with ways to improve things for both of us, ways I can help her, things I can do or not do to help her relax. I'm focused on her, but so is she between her therapy and recovery, and I don't really get any support. It s not that she doesn't try, but if "love is in the details", the details that are important to me somehow get lost in her own details over and over, I feel lost in the mix. So many plans and idea's never made it past the conversation we had on her end that I'm at a loss of what to do. The things I wish she'd do or ask her for she forgets but shows love and caring in other ways, but ways that don't resonate with me. I try to accept it in the spirit offered, but when will I start to feel understood? will I?

Couples therapy is the obvious 'solution', yet we've been there. Our communication is great, the follow through is the issue. At this point I've said everything I need or should say 100x to her, asked her for what I need 1000x, helped her come up with ways to give me that and how I can support her in that while I'm also focused on giving her what she needs both in her recovery, in general, in her career etc. I don't want to involve a professional to simply re-iterate everything, come to another false sense of accomplishment only to see her not follow through for one reason or another.

I find myself angry and resentful, considering separation and divorce. I don't want to be angry anymore. I want to be with someone who makes me feel noticed and desired not just loved and needed, I want to feel like my struggles and problems aren't a dot on the landscape of emotions of my marriage. We've spent so much time working on and focused on her its like she doesn't even see me, and when I express that she doesn't seem to truly understand.

But I love my wife. When we are intimate, when things are good for short stretches life is great. My issue is as the frustration builds over time, first feeling physically neglected from lack of touch, the fear of asking for something, the inevitable maybe later that never happens for some momentarily justifiable reason, feeling ignored from the moment i wake up to the moment she goes to bed, I start to spiral and become bitter and angry. I can only hide it so much from friends and family, so I end up being a hermit and going between work, trying to support and love my wife and coping with these feelings I can't deal with alone.

When do you decide you can't do it? When do you accept you aren't strong enough to carry the weight and perpetual imbalance of mental emotional and physical support? I'm scared I'm going to start to look at my wife, who's an amazing and persistent and caring person and only be able to feel these negative feelings if I I don't find some way to cope, or move on.

I can't be the first person in this situation. I would appreciate others feedback/thoughts/insights.