Seven days into these new meds and I can honestly say it’s doing
something for me. Oddly enough, I have a hard time really pinpointing where the difference lies, but I did make out a list of symptoms that have really been affecting me. Going down the list of symptoms it’s helped at least some with most of them and I feel remarkably better than I did one week ago. Of course, I’m still taking initial dose-level and so while I’ve not experienced overwhelming side effects, I’m a bit worried higher doses, if needed, will be a bit problematic. I’ll explain more on that later. I guess to put it short it’s like this – it’s given me reason to believe medicine can help. I forgot how different life can be when you are in a constant state of negative/distressing emotion. You really can see the world from another point of view. My therapist will be happy to hear “hope” in my words, I bet. She has made multiple comments about how hopeless I always sound when I speak.
It’s 6:06AM. I’ve not actually slept, but it’s nothing to worry about! My sleep schedule has been wonky for a long time, and basically, I sleep during the day and stay up most of the night. Recently it’s been going to bed around 7AM and waking up around 12PM. My meds I take around dinner time (5pm) and within 3-4 hours I feel tired, but I don’t ever sleep longer than an hour or two, and up the rest of the night. I feel particularly awake right now, so we’ll see how long I feel awake before I crash. Time will tell I guess.
So, the important part I wanted to chronicle here is the fact I have a bit more energy, and have desires to do things – I’m playing around with activities I used to really enjoy. That’s a big change in me as I’ve lost interest in most things I used to like and it’s been that way for a long while, with only minor bouts of interest coming back. I’m pretty excited about that. Hopefully, it all works out in my favor and I can enjoy life a little more each day.
Again, I don’t have much to report, other than generally feeling better. Life still sucks. Life still has its problems but right now they don’t seem as insurmountable as before. These last few days I have felt a world of difference and I’ve not had to go through my days with the same awful feelings I have most of my life. I kind of understand things from a different point of view now.
Possible trigger:
I’ve never been suicidal, but I definitely have always harbored very strong opinions on the topic, which may not be so well received. My biggest “controversial” feeling is while suicide doesn’t have to be the answer, chronic suffering changes things a lot for a person. Suicide prevention highlights the fact the emotions change, emotional states change… “season of life” happen, but it’s not permanent. I wholeheartedly agree with that and I believe interventions are well intentioned…. However….
I will say this—people need to re-evaluate the way they see suicide. I get especially frustrated with people who say they are selfish or how horrible it is or the easy way out etc. You sit and suffer day in and day out and decide for yourself how “selfish” it is to not want to burden others and not be in constant pain. It’s almost disgusting how someone who committed suicide is demonized by those around them or thought of in the poorest of regards. I understand we are all connected to another person in some way, and it’s painful for all involved (which is why somehow we talk about how selfish someone was to leave us, for example), and I’m not condoning suicide – but I do understand these people are in pain and sometimes, in the case of chronic, long term hardships and illness, it makes sense why it’s thought about or chosen. It’s sad, but I get very angry with people who demean those who have attempted or have committed suicide.
I got on a bit of a tirade there and off track – but my point was to say, I often say to myself “If this is all life has to offer me, I’m sorry – I don’t see the reason to continue it”. That said, I am not and have not ever been suicidal. I know it can get better – I just haven’t lucked out to see it happen yet haha. I guess I have special sympathy for people who struggle that way. Right now, I don’t quite have such a strong affinity to the aforementioned statement.
I have therapy today and I’m not sure how I want to approach it. I may talk a bit about the DBT workbook I’ve supposed to be working with. I’ve put it on the back burner (and forgot to turn the backburner on LOL) with all the other stuff going on, but I want to start doing something that seems more productive than wildly jumping around. I think I’ll start with discussing the chapters I have read with my therapist and maybe work into some issues that have been weighing on me. It seems fair enough. It’s my therapy and she doesn’t mind if I rant for an hour to her. If I find benefit, it’s worth the hour. I’ll take that for what it is.
I guess I’ve finished my update now. lol