I am super anxious and I don’t even know what else I’m feeling. I’m nauseated too but I also want to eat pizza as well. I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. Like my body shape is getting wider despite my weight loss and like I’m living in a parallel universe. I don’t know if I need to just stop with all the Stephen King or if I really am not eating enough and it’s starting to affect me.

But right now I just majorly feel like freaking out despite my 4th Valium 45 minutes ago. But I don’t want people to think I’m too unstable mentally for surgery. So I’m just trying to hang on as best as I can.

My mom said we can go to my old state to visit with people and shop in a couple weeks. I don’t think they are advising against traveling. At least not yet. There’s a lot of stuff I want to do. Some stores I don’t have here so I haven’t had some stuff in a few months. I don’t know if it’s risky or not. Since a hotel and restaurants will be involved. But it would be during the day when school is in session. So places shouldn’t be particularly crowded. If I don’t go in a couple weeks I probably wouldn’t be able to go until next year because of the other stuff and then the holidays and bad weather.

Sorry for rambling so much today. Maybe my cheat day just needs to be tonight. I didn’t eat anything after taking my 160mil Geodon or my 4th Valium.

Edit: I had some instant udon noodles. I don’t use the flavoring packet. I don’t even soak them in it. I just throw it out and cook the noodles in water in the microwave. It was bland food but the blander the food the better I like it. I’m just weird like that. So I had to up my calories for my mental health sakes but I’m still below maintenance. I got out of my all or nothing thinking regarding food awhile ago.

I know I really overdid it with the caffeine and other stuff. I’m trying to avoid a full blown S meltdown like the one I had the other night. Which was also food and caffeine related.