It's now four months since I ended the contact with my counselor. It never worked with the actual counselling as she isn't a therapist and she couldn't meet me on an emotional level.

As I'm still a patient at the facility my counselor is still my case manager, at least on paper. I've had to contact her through mail to ask her to schedule a doctor's appointment. She did schedule me but I don't know what the doctor is planning to do, if they'll cut me off from the facility.

Even if there was no actual counseling and my counselor couldn't help me with any of those things I seek mental health care for, I miss her and our chats. I know it wasn't that healthy to meet with her more or less like a friend as she shared a lot of personal stuff and sometimes we talked more about her than me.

But I cry and I miss her anyway even if I sometimes is very angry with her for ignoring things I wanted to talk about. She wasn't professional but I know she tried to be nice and let me see her as she knows I don't have any friends or family where I live.

Now I feel there's an open conflict between me and her as I left her abruptly in May and I've complained about her not being able to help me. But I still think about her, our chats about her dogs and other things. It makes me very sad as I know I can't be part of her life but at the same time I now know a lot about her.

I've thought of contacting her for a session by phone or perhaps in person but I'm afraid she'll get back at me and ignore my question for a session or answer me in a hurting way.

I know she wasn't all ignorant and that she sometimes cared about me and we had some good chats which I miss. I can't tell her I miss her as she isn't my friend and they just see it as unhealthy if a client attaches in such a way. Also, I have very mixed feelings for her so it's not that I just "miss her and like her" without reservation.