Well, i backslid. I couldn't tolerate the fear anymore. Fear that humanity is ending and fear that i am ending as i struggle out of the chemical-straight-jacket i've been in for 26 years. I can tolerate the insomnia, hysteria, sadness, anxiety, depression, but not fear. It's intolerable. I think getting off benzos 100% may not be possible. My mom used a small amount of Valium. I felt okay at 2mg but not at 1mg. I just couldn't take the fear anymore and took a 10mg Valium pill. I've tried to withdraw from benzos once before and stalled at 2mg Valium. I just may be on a 2mg maintenance dose for life. That's okay. I can still have feelings: pleasure, compassion, love, excitement, passion. I realize it's not ideal, but fear is intolerable. Two milligrams of Valium it is.

A wonderful new female friend i made this year just emailed me that i am a poet! I'd sent her a particularly creative email. She obviously liked it! She's really healthy and stable and supportive and fun and an even better friend than Louise, my best friend of nine years who is French and that's an obstacle. The new friend's name is Pat. I sure picked me a winner when i gave her an exquisite birthday gift a few years ago. I did it casually as i did not know her well at that point, not expecting anything in return and here she is turning out to be one of the best friends i've ever had! I feel so much better for having her love. And i know Louise loves me too. So that's two people. It's made all the difference!!! Louise went first tho, so she'll always have a special place in my heart.

Only love kills the demon!!!