It sucks to never feel adequate. I constantly lift myself back up after failures of trying to better my life only to meet the same type of failures over and over again. I get one step forward and fall eight steps backward. I’ve only met one mental health professional who actually seemed to care about what I say and what I feel and help me with work issues but I can’t see her because she doesn’t take my insurance and I moved to a different state.

Everyone else just doesn’t listen to me they shove me in a box labeled BPD and ignore all other symptoms that aren’t related to BPD and they don’t help me treat them. I lose touch with reality and I’m told to use skills during these times even though I tell them it’s not possible I don’t even know who I am then. When I snap out of it I am embarrassed to have to ask what just happened.

I’m so lucky to have a husband who can see the real me and he is the only one who can see the suffering of my everyday life. He takes care of me and I’m so scared of losing him I know he wouldn’t leave me on purpose but if something happened to him I don’t know if I could go on. He sees how I’m treated in medical settings and education settings and it upsets him too, he can’t fix the broken system and he says he feels helpless watching everything unfold.

I’m losing the strength to keep fighting for myself and advocating for myself. I’m so tired of the stigma and discrimination. I’m so tired of having a mental illness.