I’m really kind of beside myself. I just wanted to give a little update and just touch on a personal aspect of my life. The meds are working, I think. However, about 3-4 hours after taking it – I do get tired and sleepy, but don’t easily fall asleep, and not for very long… and then when I wake up, a few minutes later I feel good. But during that time in between, it can be a little patchy on how I feel. Today really proved that.
My ex’s new husband reached out to me to let me know my ex and he have split up. It’s a long-convoluted story why I am even in touch with the guy, but to be clear – I have NOT tried to be in their lives at all since my separation and divorce. I only found out by chance that my ex remarried, and was engaged a day after my divorce was final. I never even tried to see my ex’s Facebook. I’ve just not wanted to go through that pain. I never wanted to know about my ex again, but then it inadvertently happened, on Easter no less. Anyway, long story short – my ex’s husband has reached out a few times, the first time to gloat about their “fairytale” life, then to tell me of suspicious behaviors and cheating online, and now this. To be fair, the interaction really should have been weirder than what it was, but I refused to bash my ex, and after that initial contact, he didn’t ever throw it in my face again, only asking questions about behaviors and things of my ex.

So, he told me today, randomly, that no one can make my ex happy apparently and that they’re gone. I definitely read that as in, they are separated. I didn’t ask questions; I don’t really want to know. I just said that I’m sorry they are going through this, I know that pain, and I hope that if there is a chance for reconciliation, they can find it together. I left it at that. However I’m left with a whirlwind of feelings that I can’t seem to shake. Negative feelings, sad feelings etc. I really hurt with my divorce and I was blamed completely for everything, and my illness. While I know logically that’s not even a plausible reality, I took it to heart… this does make me turn around and say “Maybe it wasn’t all just me..”. Anyway, after suffering with those emotions without being able to shake them, on top of that moment of time between my meds kicking in and take a nap, it was rough. I am feeling better now though. That’s really the relief there.

For the record, and I won’t spill into this too much, because I’m a private person and this isn’t the place to do it – I am very much hung up on my ex but maybe not in the way you think. I am not hung up on who they are now, or a want to be with them – but the memory of who I loved and who I thought married (and to be honest,that person may never have actually existed. My marriage was tumultuous...). I married expecting to live my life together with them. I accepted the divorce and wholeheartedly believe if we were together we would still be having issues – but I haven’t be able to replace those memories inside. That’s a large hurdle for me… it’s been 2 years I last saw them. Two years in December since the divorce was final. Maybe time will help me let go.

Anyway, that’s it. I didn’t mean to go on and on about my ex, but it was a big part of today. That, and that the tired/sedating feeling is not a comfortable one in general, and makes negative emotions, when strong that much worse.