4am and I am awake, T, because of a dream/nightmare. The first day this week that I am free to just 'be' again as we took our neice home yesterday and what happens, I dream about you. But it felt more like a nightmare. I woke up feeling stressed and panicked, thoughts just swirling round in my head.

It's been 7 weeks on Tuesday since you made the decision to just up and walk out out on our work together, with no safety plan for me in place, with no referrals to other counsellors , with no plan for returning my belongings and with no idea if I would ever even see you again.

The only way I have been explaining what happened to myself is that something awful must be happening in your life that has clouded your judgement. That in a different space you would see that how you did what you did was just wrong. In so many ways. I get that you couldnt continue working in that moment, but the more time passes the less able I am feeling that I am going to be able to forgive you.

I would have expected that initial shock to have worn off by now, I would have imagined the dust to have settled enough for you to see a little clearly, at least, and to be getting in touch about a way forwards.

The fact that I have no idea what happened in your life is means that I have no idea how much time is reasonable. I guess with grief though, if that is even what you are feeling, it differs for different people for different things. I just wish you would tell me though because it might help me to be patient.

Anyway. Resentment is building. Resentment is a bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. That is what is building as the weeks go by without so much as a whisper from you.

I am really scared that the longer this goes on for, the longer these feelings and thoughts fester inside me the bigger it all grows. The bigger it grows the more time it will take to work through. Time I don't think we will have. Time I don't think you will give me. Time I am not sure I want to pay for.

This was your decision, not mine. But I love you and I can see this from your point of view (so far as anyone can see anything when they've g9t a blindfold on), and so I stick up for you. I defend your decisions and your actions to myself and to others... to a point? Are we at that point? Am I at that point?

Come on T. Please. I am losing my faith in you.

"Say something I'm giving up on you"